Oh Happy Day.

Wow, looking back, I laugh, and just smile with thankfulness of God's commitment.

I lied, I didn't type out all of my journal entries from Street Invaders, but I did keep journal, and that stuck I write in my journal everyday. God is good.

So good, lately he has told me so much, helped me grow spiritually. It's mind blowing to think that when you give all of yourself to him he will give all of himself to you, which is a whole heck of a lot.

God has told me to go into worship, to commit more time to help my church grow, and to minister to everyone around me.

I feel so full of purpose.

Now, Satan is trying to find other ways to distract me... GIRLS...

God's love is everything though, he is so powerful, I fall in love with him through music all the time. My prayer this week is for him to show me how much he loves me. Bold, but I figure, when it happens... something crazy will occur.

I am so full of faults, it is ridiculous... But the way god deals with my junk is simply perfect. How could it not be?

Well, I'm sleepy and it's too late for me to get personal.

Pray, and I love you.

August 10th

Street Invaders..
I am keeping a journal, hopefully I will be able to post the high lights of my three weeks from my journal on to here after im finished.
Here is a hint so far, I am emotionally drained already!
God is so good, and I really am burning with passion.
This is whole thing is quite the expierence.
I don't even know what to say...
Phenominal, I have so much to learn and do and to grow into...

Please pray if you read this, I love you.

oifhijafbjiasfblasd

I find myself overwhelmed with emotion and I have no way to say it out loud, or to write it down.. I don't know what it is. But I feel right. I feel happy. I feel so excellent. Yet on the verge of tears.

jsbdwkqjfvqiwefpvehqw

thats all I can say.

I can only smile.

I feel like I will have a hard time talking to people after street invaders because no one will be on the same spiritual high as me... and maybe im feeling that already.

Im not sure.

bleh

Im so impatient.
I just don't know what to do really, if theres not a huge conflict with your life that you run to God for, what do you do with your time with him?
I just feel like theres a block...
I hate the block, Im just bored, and maybe im blaming it on a relationship with God instead of accepting the fact that its because Ive done nothing all day..
Time to move.

Testimony

Testimony

Colton Curtis

July 27, 2009

Street Invaders

Grace. That one word really describes how I see God. Through out my entire life I have always felt his generous warmth on my life, no matter what I got myself into, or where I found myself headed, his grace is their to bring me home.

I grew up in a Christian home. It was almost second nature to get up on Sunday morning and go to church. I found it amusing; I didn’t know what life was like without going to church, it was always there for me. I honestly cannot remember too much from my child hood, just that when I needed God he was always there. However I didn’t have an actual relationship with my savior until my first summer at street invaders. It was there that my eyes were opened to this massive amount of love and beauty that we call God.

I guess I’ll focus on the past two years. I hate to say this, I actually despise it, but my moments at street invaders have been the high points in my spiritual journey with God, I haven’t been able to obtain that on my own. I will come home from street invaders completely God high, then drop; although, through all the ups and downs I have learned so much. One thing I have really grabbed a concept for (especially this past year) is how Satan will do absolutely everything in his power to divorce us from our love, our healer, our Lord. Personally, I feel as if as soon as God and I developed a relationship Satan felt threatened, and did so much to destroy it. I have been involved in so much “crap” this past year, and have done so many things I regret. Yet, god always takes me back. That sentence baffles me, it took so long for me to comprehend how God could still love a wretch like me, and once I figured that out, he started changing things in my life. Things I once found tempting are gone! He has rescued me and it is truly a miracle, and a work that astounds me every single time I think of it.

In the past year I wish I could take back and forget so much, yet Gods grace has somewhat done that for me. I know I still have an ample amount of things to work on, but I know I can only pray and grow in the spirit to improve myself.

My biggest fear in life is that I will not be able to have a firm non-changeable relationship with God. I want to be so firm in my faith and with my spirituality, and for me that is so hard. Yes, I do have a wonderful church, tons of people I can talk to, an incredible Christian family, but I don’t have continual Christian peer support at my side every day. Sometimes, that’s hard to go without. Don’t get me wrong I have wonderful extraordinary Christian friends, just very few. There’s a verse in the bible that says something about the company you keep is what you become. This year has proved that strong for me.

I know I shouldn’t have expectations for this year at street invaders, but I really want to just let go of all that I have kept in this year. Forgive myself for it all, give it all to God, and I want to learn and be faithful… and somehow, someway learn how to fight back to temptation, stand firm in my faith and do everything in love. I thank god for what he has done in my life, he has changed it so much.

P,S.

I want to scream and cry!
I feel God's grace already, I should be guilty for longer..... forever, for ever, everything I've done in this life...
Thats why Jesus came, to make sure we wouldn't have to be guilty forever. Wow it finally just clicked for me..
But still, I don't deserve this. I don't get it.

If God shows that kind of grace for humans, wretched humans... Then we should show that grace to others, even if they have been the ones to tempt us, or to steal from us, who have no idea who god is.. We should show them grace too.

Be on guard, stand firm in your faith and do everything in love...
Wow, that verse just flew into my head out of nowhere..

I simply, just don't get it.

Frustration... No. not the board game. Life.

How the devils work.
He will convince you that you want something, that there is nothing wrong with it, that God doesn't mind. He throws your mind away from God. You fight it, but then you get it, or do it, or whatever the case is ( this process is usually drawn out, bu humms and hawss..) When you do give in and do it, he laughs in your face calls you a complete loser, worthy of nothing. Yet the next time he tries you will listen to him.
After this we run back to God, feeling guilty, worthless, so pissed off at yourself, and frustrated. You think God will never be able to forgive you, your embarrassed to show your face. God forgives you, sometimes you do or do not forgive yourself (my problem)..

You saw you will never give in and do it again, and you really mean it with all your heart, it drives you to tears how guilty and worthless and angry you feel.

You do it again.
God forgives.



Frustration.


Tips anyone? You know how to contact me.

A wise friend once told me...

"You have come so incredibly far in the past few months and now I feel like Satan is trying to pull you back. You say that you don't know who you are or who God wants you to be, but I think you're striving to be this person you think you're supposed to be, when in reality life and experiences shape you. You are who you are in this moment at this time in your life, that is going to change in the next moment. You are going to continue to grow into the person you're meant to be throughout your entire life. It's a journey, it's not meant to be complete at 16 years old. I know that you find that frustrating but I think you need to start living more in the present than the future. You tend to plan ahead for yourself when maybe you should try letting God take the reigns in your life. I know you like control but His plans are so much better for you, even though they may not make sense right now.You said that it would be so much easier to give up and you'd feel so much more real, but you are real. I don't think you're hiding anything, I think that you're going through something and being tempted and challenged. Everyone goes through temptation throughout their lives and while it's different from person to person it's still there. Do you think that maybe this temptation is a tool to get you to lean on God and let him take control?"

Every word of that is true..
I hope it speaks to me you like it did to me.

Woah, Brain Washed?

I think it's safe to say that for at least the past five days I haven't been as close with God, but you know whats weird, I didn't even really notice.
I noticed how much I hated everything, how much of a rotten attitude I had, how much of a terrible brother and son I am, how many bad habits I have been bringing back, but not once have I been like "oh I need to come back to God."

I bought I new bible yesterday and I was reading it, but all I could think about was how much of a terrible son to my heavenly father I had been. I'm telling yah... so stupid.

I woke up this morning crying to God... please put a smile on my face and help me just get through this, it makes no sense. Whats wrong with me!!!!

Sure, the devil is totally on my back, screaming at me to screw up, and yet at times he has succeeded while other times he hasn't... but I have the power to defeat him.
There have been so many things on my mind lately, that when other people try to talk to me about something else I completely shut down and ignore them... I am being pathetic.
Its so stupid though, God can overcome anything, the temptation of the flesh... the temptation of the devil, EVERYTHING!
Why won't I just buckle down and commit, and change myself with the help of the Lord my God?
Why not?

I am honest.

Gravity - Sara Barielles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.


Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.


I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down


This song really just makes me think for some reason, I don't know if its because of stuff that I've been through, or the battles that we face everyday with certain people... but this song just has something.
Check it out.

Anyway, I went to church today, and for some reason (even though things are better between God and I now, church just makes me yawn, I feel nowhere close to God, nowhere, happy, all I can focus on is my bad attitude. Why is that?)

Also, I miss my camp. It was like at that beach God and I were so close I could put my hands in the air and be touching him. Here, not so much, I feel dirty, and reminded about everything that I have done to screw up, and things that I do now that I hate about myself.

One more thing.
Lately I have been feeling that certain things that I have been doing in my life all along now, don't cut it.. Now are unacceptable, now make me feel guilty, and in a way I like that, it makes me feel like I've stepped up. But it also means work... I think I can handle it though.







P.S. I spent two hours of my day today doing nothing but rocking out to musical soundtracks in my living room. Woah, lifes good. Then, when I was out of breath, I would read Harry Potter. Yes I was a poser, I bought all the books but never picked one up. Ha, lets see how that goes.

WOOOOOOO

There is so much I ahve to say but I can't.
This past week I have felt so good. SO GOOD.
And yes, I did blog everyday, except in a book.
And sorry, but I am not writing all of it on here.

I found a place where I can be with God and no one else, where I can simply admire him, and where we can talk. About everything. I haven't that close to him sense last summer, and now my biggest prayer is to not let it change.

I can the devil hates it, and thats a sign that I am actually doing something right. It's like Satan knows I am becoming stronger and he is just trying to throw everything at me. But you know whats incredible, as soon as I feel tested or uncomfortable, I pray.... and instantly the devil and everything he has is smoothered in God's indescrible presence.



Wheww.....




Looked in the mirror today
And what I saw was not the same as yesterday
Cause more and more
You’re Transforming and rearranging me

Run away with me.

I'm running away.
Not really, but kind of.
Im headed to my campground/beach for a week or so, so maybe no more boring blogs from Colton. But I think this will be good, there is so many places for me and God to chill out there. I am pumped.
I am making another promise, each day that I am away I will journal. Blog like, except in the form of paper and pen.
When i come home, I will record what I wrote in my journal, on here... so you can catch up!



I am really excited for this.

Thought for the day.

Lately I have been scared to minister to people because I do not feel confident enough in myself yet. I don't feel like God and I are strong enough for me to start sharing about him. I feel like I couldn't do it justice. I am hoping that after this week, I will feel close enough.
Like I said, this is personal.... this is for me. I am feeling ambitious.

Thanks for the prayers, and peace out.

HEYO
Well today has been a good day.
Two stories.
Very Small.

One) I painted today, I haven't done it in a while and it was very rewarding

Two) I went for a walk this evening, found a place where I can be with God, just us. Need to start using this spot.


For some reason I just all of a sudden have this drive and ambition and the "I want to win" attitude. I like it....

Sorry for the poor excuse of a blog entry, but I'm not feeling the writing at the moment, and faking it is the last thing I want to do.

I'm so close!

1 Corinthians 10:13 (The Message)
13No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.


I know that with God I can conquer anything, I know it, and I know that at this point in my life my fire cannot be burned out, no matter how discouraged I get, or how distracted my flesh feels.
I am determined, this is for me, this is personal.... I have to grow.

Dear God,

Catch me I'm falling
Catch me I'm falling
Flying head first into fate
Catch me I'm falling
Please hear me calling
Catch me before it's too late
Catch me before it's too late
Catch me before it's too late
Catch me I'm falling
Catch me I'm falling
Catch me I'm falling.

-cc











Make up your mind to be free at last
Make up your mind to be truly alive
Embrace what's inside the place that has died
And make up your mind to survive

Who I'll Be.

Today for some reason I feel like my actions are going to start making a huge impact on the man that I will be growing into.
I don't know if it was the trip away, or the major spiritual growth I have had, but for some reason i can really feel the urge I have to grow into an honest man of God. I want to ensure that that happens, and maybe I am over analyzing things, I'm not saying I will start being a man tomorrow, I am saying I want to make sure I grow into the young man of God that God made...

I guess I just have to watch myself in a way, or even just prepare in small subtle steps.


Funny story, my grandmother made me read this article today about the Jonas brothers growing up in a christian family, the article was actually about the Jonases mother. The article made me think, you know... someday I have to grow up and clean up my act... put foolish things to an end (not all foolish things, but some) and I guess I have to realize that that is not going to happen over night..

Get it?

Home again, home again, Jiggidy Jigg.

The only think that I can honestly think of is how blessed I am as a son of God, and how thankful I am of the gifts, and experiences God has given to me.
I do not think my trips could not have been better.
I won a first place medal and a second place medal at the World Cup of Dance in Montreal, and then I went to New York City, my favorite place in the world. I did a workshop at Broadway Dance Center! I saw two extraordinary musicals, and got to share it with very special people.
God can do wonders, his love and generosity makes me want to weep, and laugh all at the same time.

Thank you God, thank you for the people in my life who you've given to me. Thank you for the places you've taken me, and for always being right beside me. Please, continue to bless me, and help me to share your love with the world.

This morning on the bys ride I fell asleep and listened to 30 Hillsong songs, It doesn't sound that exciting but I have never felt more perfect and peaceful in my life.

All I can do is praise God, I got to talk to kids about my religion, kids who I would have never talked to about that before.


Within the Next year I am traveling to Los Angeles, Chicago, Boston, Texas, Las Vegas, and NYC. I don't know how God does it, I guess its like the story of Jabez, he simply asked God to Bless him indeed and to enlarge his territory, and God did it.
Sometimes I feel a bit selfish, but if God has it in his plan for me to do all this I will gladly do it.

All of a sudden I have burning passion to reach people. To literrly live to my fullest potential and do some incredible things. And that unbelievable thing is, that I am.
Its been about two months sense I started being back with God, and sometimes it hasnt even been weel, but look at what hes done already, and the doors he has opened so far.

I don't know how I cannot have a smile on my face all the time.

Montreal and NYC

Tomorrow I head out for Montreal I am there for six days and then off to NYC for 5, I am very excited.
One thing I am worried about is staying close with god through my trip, I worry about this because I am going to be so jam packed busy with activities and what not.
I have to realize that God is my first priority, and without him none of this would be even possible.
I know what cannot happen if I don't stay close with God, and I do not want that to happen.
So, this will be my last blog for approx. 11 days.
Somehow I must keep myself accountable.

I am scared there will be family conflict I can feel tension already and I don't know if its on my behalf, I hope not.

Readers out there, please pray! These could possibly be the most incredible weeks of my life. God has that power.
I love you Jesus. How can we not see how blessed we are?

Talk to you soon, take care!

I was thinking what I was going to write today and then I decided I wasn't going to write a bunch of bull...
the truth is there are a couple of things in my life that at this point im not happy with,
One) Jealousy, I mean everyone has it but sometimes I feel like I need to work on it, alot of stuff that I get jealous about is my own problem.
Two) Im snappy at moments. I need to consume the patience and acceptance that Jesus had. I guess another I need to work on.
Anyway, I thought I would write that down, a couple things I notcied, and with gods help I will work on them.

A follow up on yesterday: With the help of God I totally amde the devil lsoe a few battles. I read a verse yesterday and I cant think of it off hand but it said, God will never put you in a situation of temptation and he won't let it happen to you unless he provides a way out. I will continuously look for the way out of that.

I guess sense I am closer to God I see more things within me that I want to change in order to be that person I want to be. I guess in a way I am becoming picky.

Jesus, please forgive me, and help me grow in wisdom and in love.

NO NO NO

Nothing, no feeling, no thought, no anything is worth letting down God and letting temptation rule.
Yesterday I said Satan is screwed and he is..
Today I learned that Slowly, BUT SURELY... I can overcome anything God, I have to stay consistent and go to God whenever I need help.
I think as a human race we have to realize that we can't succeed without God.



One thing I just want to put up here, today a friend of mine was nervous about something. I said Use the gift God gave you.... and then it hit me. Man, I need to take my own advice.
Sense things have been changing in my life with God I feel so much better. Man I could smile.

Light Bulb

I realized today that when I feel like I am coming back to who I am, to who God made me to be, the devil really gets pissed off and trys to ruin things. Sometimes he succeeds, like today, he tempts me with ridiculous things and I fall for it, and maybe its a combination of the devils temptation and of my "flesh", either or its bad.
Today I realized I am not going to let this happen, I have come so far, its unbelievable, and I will not miss out on anything else.
So Satan, your screwed, it's me and Jesus now, he loves me, and I think I have fallen in love with him. So "piss off!"

:D WOOOO

I Will learn the Sound of Silence.

When you came looking for me
I thought it was over
I thought we were history
And all I could think about
Was how I let You down
Oh, how I’d let You down
My heart has played the harlot
And wandered far from home
Like a ship without an anchor
Drifting on it’s own
When You came calling
Always calling
And down to the altar I go
All alone, together
And now on this altar I fall
Abandoned, surrendered, yielded
I am Yours!
I am Yours!!

I just spent about 25 minutes in my room listening to music and closing my eyes and really just focusing. I felt some really cool stuff. I grabbed a journal and just wrote down things that popped into my head. Here is some of them.
I've missed soaking in the splendor of his mesmerizing presence. You can simply stay there and just feel like nothing is wrong.
God hasn't given me something to say yet I feel like he is still working on building our relationship up and I know I can't rush that.
At one point I laid down and closed my eyes and saw me sitting in an empty room by myself crying out for God and this extreme glow of gold came hovering on top of me in the form of a blank and warmed me, and my heart.
One thing that happens to me whenever I close my eyes and really solely focus on God is I get shivers down my spine, and some people hate that, but for me it is a complete sign of feeling his presence.


All that was great, then the song Jealous by Phil Joel came on. That song does something to me everytime I read it, the lyrics at the top of this post is from that song, and I feel it totally is displaying a picture of God and I. At one point I just felt so filled with joy that I wanted to cry, but I'm not there yet. I was thinking about who I was, and what I've done for God and what he has done for me. He gives me so much, it is remarkable. I want to freely give myself up.

Lord, I want to yearn for you.



I know right, messed up blog, not so much organization, very scattered. That resembles my relationship right now. It is there, and it is finally working again, just a little scattered. I am excited to grow. And grow I will.

Romans 6

I was talking to a good friend recently and she asked if I really couldn't see what God has been doing in my life... after reading Romans 6 I realized that god speaks to me through the bible, I have to sit down and read it, I don't think I can so alot right now so i am just going to put all of Romans 6 on here,,,

Dead to Sin, Alive in Christ

¹What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? ²By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? ³Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? ⁴We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

⁵If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. ⁶For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— ⁷because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.

⁸Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. ⁹For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. ¹⁰The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

¹¹In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. ¹²Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. ¹³Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. ¹⁴For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.

Slaves to Righteousness

¹⁵What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! ¹⁶Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? ¹⁷But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. ¹⁸You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

¹⁹I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. ²⁰When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. ²¹What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! ²²But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. ²³For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I could say something but every single one of those verses and how in some way it empowers me. Take it for what you will, re-read that chapter... stunning.

Change of Scenery.

This may be selfish of me, but I feel like I need a vacation from life for a bit. School is done, and I can sleep in, but I feel like I need to move somewhere where God and I can be alone together, even just for a bit.

For some reason, I feel like God and I aren't talking, and I know very well I am not trying hard enough, but I don't even remember how God speaks to me. Or if he ever did.
Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel that every summer I get god high then I am on a high and it goes on and on. I feel bad for people who read this because I am constantly complaining about how upsetting my relationship with god is, when really I don't have a right to complain until I buckle down and try until I die...

What is keeping me from that? I have potential... I need to keep trying, really actually try and not be so darn lazy. Maybe then i can write in my blog about things God is doing in my life, instead of talking about how boring I am because God isn't in my life... man I get angry at myself...

Someone please hold me accountable, and forgive me for this endless blog of garbage!

PISSED OFF!

I am so thankful that I have a wonderful father like God to make up for my earthly father who is a douchebag at times.
By the way I don't mean all this, it's just.... I am a teenager who didn't get his own way and is pissed off to the maximum!
I cried! What an idiot...

Anywho, I am telling the story to get it out.
Dad was on my case all day asking what I did all day, and he was not satisfied with the fact that I only did laundry, watered flowers and cleaned the house today, apparently he wanted more, then he got me to help him clean up after supper, I got over it and said fine, then I asked him what he did today and why he was going golfing tonight instead of taking the trailer to the campground, I may have made a comment that stated " you just don't want to do it, (haha)." He said, more then you, now after this go write a resume and find yourself a job! I was pissed. But I ignored it and continued, I told him that I was pumped to drive my mom to graduation tonight... it really was the only reason I was going to go to graduation. I told him three times how pumped I was to drive. So the night continues, I get ready for graduation and start getting excited because of all the people I know, I really wanted to go see them graduate.
I come downstairs to leave, and I see that my dad took the automatic car(the one I am able to drive) to go golfing!
I was beyond pissed, I wanted that so bad. And he took it. Im sure it was a mistake.. but golly gee.
So I was so pissed and I was so sooky that I decided to stay home from graduation and now I regret it. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF



When I re-read over this I see how immature I am, yet I am still upset. I guess it shows how much growing I have to do...

Sorry I couldn't see you graduate.

Thank you.

I have this one in the nic of time today..
I just want to say that I am so thankful for what God is given, and I can't name everything off.
One: so many chances to start fresh.
But the one I wanted to talk about was the people he gave me. He has equipped me so well with people who care about me and that make me feel so comfortable and safe, and etc. (good)
With christian friends who I can talk to and share how i feel, and who like to help me out. Who agree on stuff with me, and who makes things easier.
Ex: went to prom last night, afterwards, went swimming chilled, etc. No drinking! Felt good, my date was a christian.
Ex: Best friend of all time, christian. Can talk to about everything.

I didnt talk to God yet today, but I will and I know that its not a strict rule like I only have one more minute to speak to God today or else my whole life falls to nothing, thankfully that is not how god works.. I am so tired.
So just thank you.
Thank you god.

Sunshine in the Window.

So it's a little weird, but my all time favorite thing is when i wake up and there is sun shining into my window, I seriously have no clue why.
Today was the first time in a long time that I took 15 minutes out of my very busy day and spent time with god and I feel so much, better. I am not going to lie and say it was amazing I felt his presence right away, I was blown away by his power and I will never be the same, because I didn't. It was a small slow start but it was a start. And it meant alot to me. And I feel good.
Simple, easy, turned everything off, simply met god half way. I will continue to do this. It is so worth it.

Realization of Bullshit.

So I have been thinking, I have been keeping my promise, written in my blog everyday about God, feels great right? No.
I still have no relationship with god, well not like I used to, I haven't been praying or talking to God about what I have been reading, and I haven't been reading either. I have been bullshitting this.
The day I decided I wanted to turn everything around I told a friend that I was tired of living a bullshit life, that I wanted to be a real genuine person, and I realized I have been far from it.
This stuff hasn't meant alot to me, it has made me feel a bit less guilty, but I am still so behind where I should be, I have been sinning so much that I don't even feel that guilty anymore when it happens. I want back.
I want back to the one who is always there.


I have been thinking about Street Invaders (the camp I am going to this summer.) When I feel there I feel great, but it is honestly one of my deepest fears to go there, be so strong with god and absolutley fall in love with God again and then after it's over, break my own heart, again!

I am such a hypocrite... I am nothing like a christian, besides the bible that sits on my computer desk, and the christian music that I listen to sometimes.

You know what i think it is? I think it is this messed up world, and don't get me wrong I'm not blaming my problems on the world.... I have done that enought. but I am so addicted to useless shit. Like cellphones, facebook, clothes, msn, worrying what people think, swearing, being an asshole. Why can't I just leave it behind? Really, why can't I just become a foreigner to it all? It doesn't work like that, I have to make a happy medium. Woah...


So sorry readers if you were looking for a cute little bible verse and a sappy message. I don't feel like that. I want to be real... It's so hard.

Why can't I just accept his love? Why am I so far away from what I really can be? Why did I screw so much up, and miss out on so much?

I need to, I want to do this....

Boy I can ramble, there is so much I want to say. But I won't... I need to talk to god, not some dumb computer monitor, writing down my own words. I am at the stage where I have no right to try and write... I need to listen and learn. After all, thats what I asked God to do, to teach who I am, the real me.

Dry

Today I just feel dry, literally I need some water.
Same spiritually.
I didn't really know what to talk about so I flipped my bible open. to Proverbs 16 Which is super cool... and for once I don't completely like The Message's version of this so here is the NIV.

1 To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.
2 All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD.
3 Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.
4 The LORD works out everything for his own ends—even the wicked for a day of disaster.
5 The LORD detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished.
6 Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for; through the fear of the LORD a man avoids evil.
7 When a man's ways are pleasing to the LORD, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.
8 Better a little with righteousness than much gain with injustice.
9 In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.

The whole proverb goes on like that. Personally my favorites are verse three, seven, and nine.
Just take them for what you will. I don't have alot to say today which is surprising.

I really want God to show me who I am, and when that happens that is when I can really make some important decisions, so if your a friend, pray for that.

Praise God for music. (as a sidenote.) It puts a smile on my face.

Be Happy Now.

Psalms 37:5-6
Commit your way to the Lord, trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

What kind of a witness are we if we are seen drunk as f@#$% at a party, or being an idiot to a friend, or fighting over something pathetically stupid, etc.

If we do what God wants us to do, follw is plan for us (as hard as that it is to see at times) we will make our righteousness shine. I always thought that the main way to bring people to see god was to shine with his love, to just simply "ooze" with his generousity and cool-ness. That is why this verse pushes me to try and follow the way of the Lord, and that is why i feel guilty when I don't.

For those of you who really want to speak to someone about what God is doing in there lives try that.. ask God to give you just that extra jump in your step, or that little flare to your smile, just to make people really wonder what you've got. Make them wish that they were not on the outside looking in. :)

Thinking in Advance.

Well, I am not sure if this is cheating or not, but I feel really tired and I want to stick to my promise so I am thinking ahead and writing my post for tomorrow, tonight. Clever right?

I don't know how long I want to be stuck on the topic of me feeling a change in my life but as for now, I want to take some time. Here are some wicked song lyrics that I found today by Jeremy Camp, sort of funny how God puts things into your life that actually speak to you, and then you're like woah... God never speaks to me :(... when really he does all the time and you don't even notice. Can I get an amen?! Thank you thank you... Now calm down!

Let it fade:
Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?
Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty? yeah!
You can't live this way too long.
There's more than this, more than this.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest, you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offer be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
It will be gone, forever gone.
It will be gone, it will be gone

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offer be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let it fade.

Are you carrying the weight too much?, are you running from the call?
Let it fade, Oh yeah.

You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong

It is so mezmerizing. His love, no matter how often we screw up he simply has the power to say, let it crumble... Here, have a new life, it really is a saving grace.

At this time I would like to quote Anne Shirley " Everyday is new with no mistakes!" She totally stole that from that bible, but anyway.... I like it, I like feeling thbis good all the time. It simply feels good.

I want to get others to feel this good, that is the next step, I want to be able to save people. I got a wierd call today saying I got a text on my old phone that asked if I wanted to speak at street invaiders. But it was funny I was cut off and didn't hear it well, do I hear an oppurtunity knocking? I think yes.

Dear God, whoever reads this please fill them up with Joy and an abounding energy that just screams of your love to everyone they come in contact with. Let it be easy for them to talk to people about you, and to simply relate to anything that I have said. Thanks for everything pops! Love you,

Smile.

"Why bother even trying to do anything with you
when you just keep to your bullheaded ways?
You keep beating your heads against brick walls.
Everything within you protests against you.
From the bottom of your feet to the top of your head,
nothing's working right.
Wounds and bruises and running sores—
untended, unwashed, unbandaged."

Isaiah 1:5-6

When I read that this morning I felt like an idiot, but it really showed that God was faithful and decided to speak to me through scripture after all of this time of me being without him.
When I look back at the past few months, one word pops into my head stupidity.
I was stupid! It's almost laughable. But I will not got into that... I want to be a real, genuine person. The neat guy God wants me to be. So that is what I will become, a friend asked me how I was going to find out who I was. After I thought about it I said I am going to ask Jesus to show me. So this is my journey of him showing me.

I woke up today with a smile on my face. That feels good, knowing I already set the mood for a day that God wants to fill with love and grace and success.

God bless.

Conflict

Heyo.
It's me the hypocrite. Look, I am back!
Yep, you're correct, I feel guilty so I decided to blog again.
I don't think this blog will have a direct message, that would be almost rude of me to try and preach something, I haven't talked to God in a while.
I'm so human sometimes it disgusts me.

You know what... sometimes I will have these break through s where I will really try to be with God, and then I stop!
Perhaps I get retardedly busy with something else or get interest in a girl.. or just do something stupid.

Priority. That is my problem. I am not good with Priorities, and you'd think that sense God loves ME so much, I wouldn't have a problem, after all I am the most selfish thing in the world... well actually that was exaggeration, but you get the point. I am always so focused on me, that now I find myself losing friends, losing my relationship with God which in the end losing things and opportunities for myself.

I wish I could be one of those wise people who write blogs on their websites and know a whole lot, and spend time with God everyday, I mean I used to be that person. Maybe that is what this stage in my life is for.... To screw up and be sad about it, and get priorities wrong all the time..
But doesn't that seem like a waste of time, for some reason I don't think that is what God has in mind for me.


hufff and puff.. sometimes I get frusterated.

Not to mention I totally climbed up the sin ladder way more then I used to...



I want to make a promise to myself. A big one. And I want to try and keep it.
I want to spend time with god everyday this summer, and not do anything until I spend time with him, now I will have to plan in order to do this. But that is okay, I need that. After I spend time with God each day, I will blog. I will try to say something empowering to someone if anyone reads this. Maybe god will get people to read this if I start that.

I know if I spend time with god, my relationships with friends, and everyone God wants me to be with will flourish. I can totally become the guy I want to be.
I need to realize that everyone slips up sometimes, but I don't want to use that. The devil is not going to like the whole me and God hanging out but I have to work through that. I have to stay strong, if your out there, pray for me. That would be cool.

I need to make another promise to myself..
I will not get drunk at grad parties this summer (just throwing that out there)

It starts tomorrow.
WOOOOOOP

I hear love never fails.

Dear person who reads this:

I am about to tell you a few stories, I don't know if you'll like them but hey, you can always hit the big red X in the top right hand corner (assuming your not using a Mac).

Story number one, I was in a Chapters last weekend, I felt inspired, full of love, energy and ____(fill in blank with synomyn of Niceness). It was great so I bought myself a little journal, red it was. I though hey red, heart, love, blood, etc. I thought I can write in this book really eventful and important things that happen, that absolutely needs to be documented. So far I have one page written on, and it's a small page! The page says, "I hear love never fails." I feel sort of... hmm, boring I suppose is the word I'm looking for. So in my mind I was boring, then...
(Story number 2!)

So my friend is having a "sweet sixteen" party tonight, titled.. "sketch fest!" I know right, the title says it all? Well the whole week I wasn't planning on going, people asked if I was and sometimes I would tell the turth and simply say no Im not planning on it, I don't want to be the only sober one there. Other times people would ask why wouldn't I just drink, I came up with something clever like " I have mono, if I drink my spleen will erupt." Hey, they bought it. And other times, when I was really fed up I told people I was just going to go. In the end, I made up my mind. I was going. I wasn't going to be the only sober one, and I built up the will power in my mind to be able to say no to anyone who wantd me to drink. I was set, anyway... it didn't work out and I ended up not going at all.
I sort of regret it though, I mean now all weekend/weel people are going to be telling me how awesome it was. I just sort of wish I was there. Not stuck at home like the rest of "those people", I'm not one of "those people!"

So between being a boring writer in my red book and being a boring person in general, I feel just plain boring.
End.




Do you ever really dislike someone almost hate someone and they really did nothing to you to deserve that hatred? It's wierd.

I know this guy and I swear he lives to piss me off. But hey, get over it Colton, If God got pissed everytime I was an idiot.... well that would just be hell, literally.





I failed my permit today, by one question!!!
ONE QUESTION!
Well I got four wrong, but one too many wrong!
About a motorcycle, okay... HELLO! I AM NOT GOING TO DRIVE A MOTORCYCLE! I AM WRITING THIS PERMIT SO I CAN DRIVE A CAR!!

So.
Now that my bitterness is out, I think I can maybe even talk a little bit on some cool stuff. If you did not hit that big red X yet, I know tempting right?

I am really feeling restless lately, like I want a change or I want to do something, I just can't keep living my life the way I am now. There are so many ways I can take that. Sometimes I wish what God wanted was so clear, actually half the time it is that clear we are just to stunned, or in my case stubborn to see it.
Hm

Start of Something New

I want to make a difference!
I am tired of stressing over things like a paper due or how many hours I can sleep a night(even though those things are important.)
I want to make a change for the better, I think I need to stop limiting myself by saying that I can't do anything because of the small town where I live. God can use me where he put me, as hard as that is to believe at times it's true. I am obviously hear for a reason, wether it be to save or change other peoples lives, or try to be an example of God's love for other people to see(which is a huge challenge in itself.)
I think if I change my attitude there may be a huge work for me to do here, in this small place.
If God gives me the oppurtunities to go out and share his "story", or even to help people to show the never-ending love, that is a blessing, because I would love to do that, and it needs to be done. But maybe at the moment I need to stick here and work!
Sometimes I catch myself being very lazy, and that bugs me to no extent. I cannot even comprehend the amount of oppurtune time I waste, some would call it sad, some would say that it is a sin. I agree with both.

Today I didn't go to school because my whole body is not feeling good, in hundreds of different ways, but myabe this is a blessing. Today I have to do: History Paper, Pick courses, Block scene for Dinner Theatre, Book Report, Read the book the Book Report is on, Memorize speech, learn lines for production, and perhaps pick a cast for drama fest play.
Look at that... the last two aren't neccesary for today, and most likely will not get done.
Today, once I shower, and get those things under control, hopefully I will feel better, and hopefulle I will be able to have a wonderful day with God. Sometimes that confuses me. I just wish I were able to constantly feel God around me, you know what? I think that may be possible. The more I ponder it the more I realize that perhaps God is always around me and I just don't turn around to say "HI!".

Start of something new. (and yes those are High School Musical lyrics: Movie 1, Scene 2, Song 1, Line 1, if you were wondering.)
My something new is this, I want to try to accept that I am where I am, and I have a load of oppurtunities here, and I have to be able to use those, no matter how hard they are to see.
Also, I must try to stop wasting time and do what needs to be done. The right things!
And lastly, I have to spend more time with God, and learn form him, and realize that he forgives me and that I can have a relationship with him again.




*Sometimes it feels like God is writing these things down, where else does it come from? I'm okay with it!

Fire

I'm back,
I forgot how much I loved actually talking and debating and discussion God, religion, and all that jazz. Even reading articles gets me a little pumped. I thank God for giving me people who I can talk to about all this. Very groovy. I'm liking it.
I have a smile on my face, last night I read two chapters of acts (recomended by a friend.) The reading gave me a whole new, for lack of a better word, attitude.

By the way, these blogs are more of a self journey thing, sorry readers.

Dear God

Well Hello, it has been quite some time.
I have fallen, and grown, and fallen, and learned so many times.
At times I feel as if I am farther behind then I ever was. That is my fault in this month I have done some terrible things that I am absolutely horrified to even ponder. But as a friend told me, I've learned from these things.
Yesterday was the first time I felt the peace of God in so long.
It is funny really, I have all these plans this summer to go on a missions trip in LA and do great things for God, but as of now, I am just living the most stupid life...
God, God, God...
I have so many dreams. Seriously, as lame as it is. I really want to be a movie star. So I heard this thing: God wouldn't give you dreams that you couldn't aspire within time.
haha, I don't even know what to think.

I am a hypocrite, you know that?

Man oh man... God is constantly working on me, putting new people in my life, new oppurtunities, new temptations(and ways to run away from them). I pray that he won't stop no matter how rude and inconsiderate I am at times.

Ponder

I see love.
I want to be loved.
I want to love.

So blessed.. remarkable.

Love

I should of done this a long time ago.

So In my last post I guessed what the bible says about temptaion.. why didn't I take timeto actually read it and learn? I don't know.. but hey I just did, and it was awesome... so here are just a few things that "wowed" me.

When you're tempted, it's because something inside of you likes to do the wrong thing, something you know you shouldn't do. The problem is in you, not in the thing you want to do. God has made you new in Jesus. You may still like what you know is wrong, but you will like pleasing God more.

Also, Satan may tempt you, but he can't make you sin. It's your choice, and you don't have to chose to do wrong. You're free to choose what is right. In Matthew 4:1-11 it takes about how The devil tried to tempt Jesus... haha well that didn't work to well, Jesus definetly knew what he was doing the conversation went something like..
J- I am hungry
S- If you're hungry and you're the son of God, why don't you turn these stones into bread?
J- It is written that man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.
(They move to ontop of the highest mountain)
S- If you are the son of God, throw yourself down, it is written that "he will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone."
J- Dude, it is also written " Do not put the Lord your God to the test."
(They look down the mountain at the big cities)
S- I will give you all this if you bow down and worship me!
J- Away from me Satan! Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only!

So that totally shows that we are capable of not being tempted by the devil.. but then I thought, that was Jesus.. I can't do that, Jesus is the only one that could ever do something like that.

I was wrong... but, what else is new.

In James 4:7 it says that if we(human beings, rotten selfish people who sin) submit ourselves to God we can resist the devil and he will flee from us.

So... I was like woah that is pretty awesome...

It's wierd the feeling I get when I take time to just stop stressing, and being pissed off, to read the bible.. I enver thought that was really fun, but when you have a bible you can understand and you apply it to your everyday life and stuff that you are going through it is crazy cool! I am feeling pretty content right now.. ha! The thing is I wish I could find time in each day to spend this much time and feel like I have actually learned something for myself. It is know fun when the only reason you do this is because you're upset about something...

I think that should be a new years resolution... it could be tricky but hey I ahve so much I want to do, why not add this one more very important thing?

My new years resolution list: ( almost like a to-do list)

-Go to the gym (use up that member ship!)
-Read more in general, less computer!
-Read Bible Everyday, actually do it!
-Change the stuff about me I don't like.
-Paint
-Write
-Direct play by end of March to raise money for street invaiders.
-School Production
-Dance/Voice/TNB, plus TNB production in June.

I can do that, easily... who needs sleep anyway?

Good day, Good day!

Temptation.

Everyone has something that haunts them...
That tempts them, to... sin? To... do something wrong(in someones eyes)

For me, it is a sin that I feel dissapoints God, but really its dissapoints me ALSO! DANGGGG
I mean all that hard work flushed down the drain and not only my hard work, but like my prays for stuff. I completly ruin everything(all the chances) I have been given by falling into this temptation(s)...

I don't know what the bible says about temptation,,, probably that it's really bad.. Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SILLY ME!

God gave me these things ... these things that I feel that I have to give up for him..
BUT THAT IS STUPID!
He gave me them, so I have to learn to not give them up but to use them the way I should..

WOAH! I think I have a problem I think... I think I think too much... maybe?

Dear Justin Gaston, GO PUT ON SOME CLOTHES AND LEAVE MY GIRLFRIEND ALONE!

SO I figured it out... I know what is making me *not tick*... I am not giving myself up, letting go of all my ambitions, desires, habits, dreams... etc, for God. I won't let him take the reigns, and I am not sure how to do that.. Once again my mind is in jumbles. And to top it all off, I just found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me... WITH AN UNDERWEAR MODEL OF ALL PEOPLE!... Way to go Miley, thanks for breaking my heart. That's besides the point.. I will get over her.

Back to God.... WAIT UP! HOLD ON! Did you hear that? THAT IS MY LIFE!!! (Going Back To God)... I constantly leave him in the background of my life, replacing him with what I want(selfish needs), which is not always good... ex: BAD STUFF!

I don't know If I can juut give stuff up, like dreams and whatnot.. I honestly think I may be that selfish that I cannot do it... And other things, like certain bad habits.. I have been trying to break them, but it's hard.

wow, if people who don't believe in God read this they could totally get the wrong impression...

Man oh man...