Wow, looking back, I laugh, and just smile with thankfulness of God's commitment.
I lied, I didn't type out all of my journal entries from Street Invaders, but I did keep journal, and that stuck I write in my journal everyday. God is good.
So good, lately he has told me so much, helped me grow spiritually. It's mind blowing to think that when you give all of yourself to him he will give all of himself to you, which is a whole heck of a lot.
God has told me to go into worship, to commit more time to help my church grow, and to minister to everyone around me.
I feel so full of purpose.
Now, Satan is trying to find other ways to distract me... GIRLS...
God's love is everything though, he is so powerful, I fall in love with him through music all the time. My prayer this week is for him to show me how much he loves me. Bold, but I figure, when it happens... something crazy will occur.
I am so full of faults, it is ridiculous... But the way god deals with my junk is simply perfect. How could it not be?
Well, I'm sleepy and it's too late for me to get personal.
Street Invaders.. I am keeping a journal, hopefully I will be able to post the high lights of my three weeks from my journal on to here after im finished. Here is a hint so far, I am emotionally drained already! God is so good, and I really am burning with passion. This is whole thing is quite the expierence. I don't even know what to say... Phenominal, I have so much to learn and do and to grow into...
I find myself overwhelmed with emotion and I have no way to say it out loud, or to write it down.. I don't know what it is. But I feel right. I feel happy. I feel so excellent. Yet on the verge of tears.
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thats all I can say.
I can only smile.
I feel like I will have a hard time talking to people after street invaders because no one will be on the same spiritual high as me... and maybe im feeling that already.
Im so impatient. I just don't know what to do really, if theres not a huge conflict with your life that you run to God for, what do you do with your time with him? I just feel like theres a block... I hate the block, Im just bored, and maybe im blaming it on a relationship with God instead of accepting the fact that its because Ive done nothing all day.. Time to move.
Grace. That one word really describes how I see God. Through out my entire life I have always felt his generous warmth on my life, no matter what I got myself into, or where I found myself headed, his grace is their to bring me home.
I grew up in a Christian home. It was almost second nature to get up on Sunday morning and go to church. I found it amusing; I didn’t know what life was like without going to church, it was always there for me. I honestly cannot remember too much from my child hood, just that when I needed God he was always there. However I didn’t have an actual relationship with my savior until my first summer at street invaders. It was there that my eyes were opened to this massive amount of love and beauty that we call God.
I guess I’ll focus on the past two years. I hate to say this, I actually despise it, but my moments at street invaders have been the high points in my spiritual journey with God, I haven’t been able to obtain that on my own. I will come home from street invaders completely God high, then drop; although, through all the ups and downs I have learned so much. One thing I have really grabbed a concept for (especially this past year) is how Satan will do absolutely everything in his power to divorce us from our love, our healer, our Lord. Personally, I feel as if as soon as God and I developed a relationship Satan felt threatened, and did so much to destroy it. I have been involved in so much “crap” this past year, and have done so many things I regret. Yet, god always takes me back. That sentence baffles me, it took so long for me to comprehend how God could still love a wretch like me, and once I figured that out, he started changing things in my life. Things I once found tempting are gone! He has rescued me and it is truly a miracle, and a work that astounds me every single time I think of it.
In the past year I wish I could take back and forget so much, yet Gods grace has somewhat done that for me. I know I still have an ample amount of things to work on, but I know I can only pray and grow in the spirit to improve myself.
My biggest fear in life is that I will not be able to have a firm non-changeable relationship with God. I want to be so firm in my faith and with my spirituality, and for me that is so hard. Yes, I do have a wonderful church, tons of people I can talk to, an incredible Christian family, but I don’t have continual Christian peer support at my side every day. Sometimes, that’s hard to go without. Don’t get me wrong I have wonderful extraordinary Christian friends, just very few. There’s a verse in the bible that says something about the company you keep is what you become. This year has proved that strong for me.
I know I shouldn’t have expectations for this year at street invaders, but I really want to just let go of all that I have kept in this year. Forgive myself for it all, give it all to God, and I want to learn and be faithful… and somehow, someway learn how to fight back to temptation, stand firm in my faith and do everything in love. I thank god for what he has done in my life, he has changed it so much.
I want to scream and cry! I feel God's grace already, I should be guilty for longer..... forever, for ever, everything I've done in this life... Thats why Jesus came, to make sure we wouldn't have to be guilty forever. Wow it finally just clicked for me.. But still, I don't deserve this. I don't get it.
If God shows that kind of grace for humans, wretched humans... Then we should show that grace to others, even if they have been the ones to tempt us, or to steal from us, who have no idea who god is.. We should show them grace too.
Be on guard, stand firm in your faith and do everything in love... Wow, that verse just flew into my head out of nowhere..
How the devils work. He will convince you that you want something, that there is nothing wrong with it, that God doesn't mind. He throws your mind away from God. You fight it, but then you get it, or do it, or whatever the case is ( this process is usually drawn out, bu humms and hawss..) When you do give in and do it, he laughs in your face calls you a complete loser, worthy of nothing. Yet the next time he tries you will listen to him. After this we run back to God, feeling guilty, worthless, so pissed off at yourself, and frustrated. You think God will never be able to forgive you, your embarrassed to show your face. God forgives you, sometimes you do or do not forgive yourself (my problem)..
You saw you will never give in and do it again, and you really mean it with all your heart, it drives you to tears how guilty and worthless and angry you feel.
