Montreal and NYC

Tomorrow I head out for Montreal I am there for six days and then off to NYC for 5, I am very excited.
One thing I am worried about is staying close with god through my trip, I worry about this because I am going to be so jam packed busy with activities and what not.
I have to realize that God is my first priority, and without him none of this would be even possible.
I know what cannot happen if I don't stay close with God, and I do not want that to happen.
So, this will be my last blog for approx. 11 days.
Somehow I must keep myself accountable.

I am scared there will be family conflict I can feel tension already and I don't know if its on my behalf, I hope not.

Readers out there, please pray! These could possibly be the most incredible weeks of my life. God has that power.
I love you Jesus. How can we not see how blessed we are?

Talk to you soon, take care!

I was thinking what I was going to write today and then I decided I wasn't going to write a bunch of bull...
the truth is there are a couple of things in my life that at this point im not happy with,
One) Jealousy, I mean everyone has it but sometimes I feel like I need to work on it, alot of stuff that I get jealous about is my own problem.
Two) Im snappy at moments. I need to consume the patience and acceptance that Jesus had. I guess another I need to work on.
Anyway, I thought I would write that down, a couple things I notcied, and with gods help I will work on them.

A follow up on yesterday: With the help of God I totally amde the devil lsoe a few battles. I read a verse yesterday and I cant think of it off hand but it said, God will never put you in a situation of temptation and he won't let it happen to you unless he provides a way out. I will continuously look for the way out of that.

I guess sense I am closer to God I see more things within me that I want to change in order to be that person I want to be. I guess in a way I am becoming picky.

Jesus, please forgive me, and help me grow in wisdom and in love.

NO NO NO

Nothing, no feeling, no thought, no anything is worth letting down God and letting temptation rule.
Yesterday I said Satan is screwed and he is..
Today I learned that Slowly, BUT SURELY... I can overcome anything God, I have to stay consistent and go to God whenever I need help.
I think as a human race we have to realize that we can't succeed without God.



One thing I just want to put up here, today a friend of mine was nervous about something. I said Use the gift God gave you.... and then it hit me. Man, I need to take my own advice.
Sense things have been changing in my life with God I feel so much better. Man I could smile.

Light Bulb

I realized today that when I feel like I am coming back to who I am, to who God made me to be, the devil really gets pissed off and trys to ruin things. Sometimes he succeeds, like today, he tempts me with ridiculous things and I fall for it, and maybe its a combination of the devils temptation and of my "flesh", either or its bad.
Today I realized I am not going to let this happen, I have come so far, its unbelievable, and I will not miss out on anything else.
So Satan, your screwed, it's me and Jesus now, he loves me, and I think I have fallen in love with him. So "piss off!"

:D WOOOO

I Will learn the Sound of Silence.

When you came looking for me
I thought it was over
I thought we were history
And all I could think about
Was how I let You down
Oh, how I’d let You down
My heart has played the harlot
And wandered far from home
Like a ship without an anchor
Drifting on it’s own
When You came calling
Always calling
And down to the altar I go
All alone, together
And now on this altar I fall
Abandoned, surrendered, yielded
I am Yours!
I am Yours!!

I just spent about 25 minutes in my room listening to music and closing my eyes and really just focusing. I felt some really cool stuff. I grabbed a journal and just wrote down things that popped into my head. Here is some of them.
I've missed soaking in the splendor of his mesmerizing presence. You can simply stay there and just feel like nothing is wrong.
God hasn't given me something to say yet I feel like he is still working on building our relationship up and I know I can't rush that.
At one point I laid down and closed my eyes and saw me sitting in an empty room by myself crying out for God and this extreme glow of gold came hovering on top of me in the form of a blank and warmed me, and my heart.
One thing that happens to me whenever I close my eyes and really solely focus on God is I get shivers down my spine, and some people hate that, but for me it is a complete sign of feeling his presence.


All that was great, then the song Jealous by Phil Joel came on. That song does something to me everytime I read it, the lyrics at the top of this post is from that song, and I feel it totally is displaying a picture of God and I. At one point I just felt so filled with joy that I wanted to cry, but I'm not there yet. I was thinking about who I was, and what I've done for God and what he has done for me. He gives me so much, it is remarkable. I want to freely give myself up.

Lord, I want to yearn for you.



I know right, messed up blog, not so much organization, very scattered. That resembles my relationship right now. It is there, and it is finally working again, just a little scattered. I am excited to grow. And grow I will.

Romans 6

I was talking to a good friend recently and she asked if I really couldn't see what God has been doing in my life... after reading Romans 6 I realized that god speaks to me through the bible, I have to sit down and read it, I don't think I can so alot right now so i am just going to put all of Romans 6 on here,,,

Dead to Sin, Alive in Christ

¹What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? ²By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? ³Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? ⁴We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.

⁵If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. ⁶For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin— ⁷because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.

⁸Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. ⁹For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. ¹⁰The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

¹¹In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. ¹²Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. ¹³Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. ¹⁴For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.

Slaves to Righteousness

¹⁵What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! ¹⁶Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? ¹⁷But thanks be to God that, though you used to be slaves to sin, you wholeheartedly obeyed the form of teaching to which you were entrusted. ¹⁸You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.

¹⁹I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. ²⁰When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. ²¹What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! ²²But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. ²³For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I could say something but every single one of those verses and how in some way it empowers me. Take it for what you will, re-read that chapter... stunning.

Change of Scenery.

This may be selfish of me, but I feel like I need a vacation from life for a bit. School is done, and I can sleep in, but I feel like I need to move somewhere where God and I can be alone together, even just for a bit.

For some reason, I feel like God and I aren't talking, and I know very well I am not trying hard enough, but I don't even remember how God speaks to me. Or if he ever did.
Sometimes I get frustrated because I feel that every summer I get god high then I am on a high and it goes on and on. I feel bad for people who read this because I am constantly complaining about how upsetting my relationship with god is, when really I don't have a right to complain until I buckle down and try until I die...

What is keeping me from that? I have potential... I need to keep trying, really actually try and not be so darn lazy. Maybe then i can write in my blog about things God is doing in my life, instead of talking about how boring I am because God isn't in my life... man I get angry at myself...

Someone please hold me accountable, and forgive me for this endless blog of garbage!

PISSED OFF!

I am so thankful that I have a wonderful father like God to make up for my earthly father who is a douchebag at times.
By the way I don't mean all this, it's just.... I am a teenager who didn't get his own way and is pissed off to the maximum!
I cried! What an idiot...

Anywho, I am telling the story to get it out.
Dad was on my case all day asking what I did all day, and he was not satisfied with the fact that I only did laundry, watered flowers and cleaned the house today, apparently he wanted more, then he got me to help him clean up after supper, I got over it and said fine, then I asked him what he did today and why he was going golfing tonight instead of taking the trailer to the campground, I may have made a comment that stated " you just don't want to do it, (haha)." He said, more then you, now after this go write a resume and find yourself a job! I was pissed. But I ignored it and continued, I told him that I was pumped to drive my mom to graduation tonight... it really was the only reason I was going to go to graduation. I told him three times how pumped I was to drive. So the night continues, I get ready for graduation and start getting excited because of all the people I know, I really wanted to go see them graduate.
I come downstairs to leave, and I see that my dad took the automatic car(the one I am able to drive) to go golfing!
I was beyond pissed, I wanted that so bad. And he took it. Im sure it was a mistake.. but golly gee.
So I was so pissed and I was so sooky that I decided to stay home from graduation and now I regret it. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF



When I re-read over this I see how immature I am, yet I am still upset. I guess it shows how much growing I have to do...

Sorry I couldn't see you graduate.

Thank you.

I have this one in the nic of time today..
I just want to say that I am so thankful for what God is given, and I can't name everything off.
One: so many chances to start fresh.
But the one I wanted to talk about was the people he gave me. He has equipped me so well with people who care about me and that make me feel so comfortable and safe, and etc. (good)
With christian friends who I can talk to and share how i feel, and who like to help me out. Who agree on stuff with me, and who makes things easier.
Ex: went to prom last night, afterwards, went swimming chilled, etc. No drinking! Felt good, my date was a christian.
Ex: Best friend of all time, christian. Can talk to about everything.

I didnt talk to God yet today, but I will and I know that its not a strict rule like I only have one more minute to speak to God today or else my whole life falls to nothing, thankfully that is not how god works.. I am so tired.
So just thank you.
Thank you god.

Sunshine in the Window.

So it's a little weird, but my all time favorite thing is when i wake up and there is sun shining into my window, I seriously have no clue why.
Today was the first time in a long time that I took 15 minutes out of my very busy day and spent time with god and I feel so much, better. I am not going to lie and say it was amazing I felt his presence right away, I was blown away by his power and I will never be the same, because I didn't. It was a small slow start but it was a start. And it meant alot to me. And I feel good.
Simple, easy, turned everything off, simply met god half way. I will continue to do this. It is so worth it.

Realization of Bullshit.

So I have been thinking, I have been keeping my promise, written in my blog everyday about God, feels great right? No.
I still have no relationship with god, well not like I used to, I haven't been praying or talking to God about what I have been reading, and I haven't been reading either. I have been bullshitting this.
The day I decided I wanted to turn everything around I told a friend that I was tired of living a bullshit life, that I wanted to be a real genuine person, and I realized I have been far from it.
This stuff hasn't meant alot to me, it has made me feel a bit less guilty, but I am still so behind where I should be, I have been sinning so much that I don't even feel that guilty anymore when it happens. I want back.
I want back to the one who is always there.


I have been thinking about Street Invaders (the camp I am going to this summer.) When I feel there I feel great, but it is honestly one of my deepest fears to go there, be so strong with god and absolutley fall in love with God again and then after it's over, break my own heart, again!

I am such a hypocrite... I am nothing like a christian, besides the bible that sits on my computer desk, and the christian music that I listen to sometimes.

You know what i think it is? I think it is this messed up world, and don't get me wrong I'm not blaming my problems on the world.... I have done that enought. but I am so addicted to useless shit. Like cellphones, facebook, clothes, msn, worrying what people think, swearing, being an asshole. Why can't I just leave it behind? Really, why can't I just become a foreigner to it all? It doesn't work like that, I have to make a happy medium. Woah...


So sorry readers if you were looking for a cute little bible verse and a sappy message. I don't feel like that. I want to be real... It's so hard.

Why can't I just accept his love? Why am I so far away from what I really can be? Why did I screw so much up, and miss out on so much?

I need to, I want to do this....

Boy I can ramble, there is so much I want to say. But I won't... I need to talk to god, not some dumb computer monitor, writing down my own words. I am at the stage where I have no right to try and write... I need to listen and learn. After all, thats what I asked God to do, to teach who I am, the real me.

Dry

Today I just feel dry, literally I need some water.
Same spiritually.
I didn't really know what to talk about so I flipped my bible open. to Proverbs 16 Which is super cool... and for once I don't completely like The Message's version of this so here is the NIV.

1 To man belong the plans of the heart, but from the LORD comes the reply of the tongue.
2 All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the LORD.
3 Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.
4 The LORD works out everything for his own ends—even the wicked for a day of disaster.
5 The LORD detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished.
6 Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for; through the fear of the LORD a man avoids evil.
7 When a man's ways are pleasing to the LORD, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.
8 Better a little with righteousness than much gain with injustice.
9 In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.

The whole proverb goes on like that. Personally my favorites are verse three, seven, and nine.
Just take them for what you will. I don't have alot to say today which is surprising.

I really want God to show me who I am, and when that happens that is when I can really make some important decisions, so if your a friend, pray for that.

Praise God for music. (as a sidenote.) It puts a smile on my face.

Be Happy Now.

Psalms 37:5-6
Commit your way to the Lord, trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

What kind of a witness are we if we are seen drunk as f@#$% at a party, or being an idiot to a friend, or fighting over something pathetically stupid, etc.

If we do what God wants us to do, follw is plan for us (as hard as that it is to see at times) we will make our righteousness shine. I always thought that the main way to bring people to see god was to shine with his love, to just simply "ooze" with his generousity and cool-ness. That is why this verse pushes me to try and follow the way of the Lord, and that is why i feel guilty when I don't.

For those of you who really want to speak to someone about what God is doing in there lives try that.. ask God to give you just that extra jump in your step, or that little flare to your smile, just to make people really wonder what you've got. Make them wish that they were not on the outside looking in. :)

Thinking in Advance.

Well, I am not sure if this is cheating or not, but I feel really tired and I want to stick to my promise so I am thinking ahead and writing my post for tomorrow, tonight. Clever right?

I don't know how long I want to be stuck on the topic of me feeling a change in my life but as for now, I want to take some time. Here are some wicked song lyrics that I found today by Jeremy Camp, sort of funny how God puts things into your life that actually speak to you, and then you're like woah... God never speaks to me :(... when really he does all the time and you don't even notice. Can I get an amen?! Thank you thank you... Now calm down!

Let it fade:
Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?
Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty? yeah!
You can't live this way too long.
There's more than this, more than this.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest, you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offer be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
It will be gone, forever gone.
It will be gone, it will be gone

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offer be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let it fade.

Are you carrying the weight too much?, are you running from the call?
Let it fade, Oh yeah.

You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong

It is so mezmerizing. His love, no matter how often we screw up he simply has the power to say, let it crumble... Here, have a new life, it really is a saving grace.

At this time I would like to quote Anne Shirley " Everyday is new with no mistakes!" She totally stole that from that bible, but anyway.... I like it, I like feeling thbis good all the time. It simply feels good.

I want to get others to feel this good, that is the next step, I want to be able to save people. I got a wierd call today saying I got a text on my old phone that asked if I wanted to speak at street invaiders. But it was funny I was cut off and didn't hear it well, do I hear an oppurtunity knocking? I think yes.

Dear God, whoever reads this please fill them up with Joy and an abounding energy that just screams of your love to everyone they come in contact with. Let it be easy for them to talk to people about you, and to simply relate to anything that I have said. Thanks for everything pops! Love you,

Smile.

"Why bother even trying to do anything with you
when you just keep to your bullheaded ways?
You keep beating your heads against brick walls.
Everything within you protests against you.
From the bottom of your feet to the top of your head,
nothing's working right.
Wounds and bruises and running sores—
untended, unwashed, unbandaged."

Isaiah 1:5-6

When I read that this morning I felt like an idiot, but it really showed that God was faithful and decided to speak to me through scripture after all of this time of me being without him.
When I look back at the past few months, one word pops into my head stupidity.
I was stupid! It's almost laughable. But I will not got into that... I want to be a real, genuine person. The neat guy God wants me to be. So that is what I will become, a friend asked me how I was going to find out who I was. After I thought about it I said I am going to ask Jesus to show me. So this is my journey of him showing me.

I woke up today with a smile on my face. That feels good, knowing I already set the mood for a day that God wants to fill with love and grace and success.

God bless.

Conflict

Heyo.
It's me the hypocrite. Look, I am back!
Yep, you're correct, I feel guilty so I decided to blog again.
I don't think this blog will have a direct message, that would be almost rude of me to try and preach something, I haven't talked to God in a while.
I'm so human sometimes it disgusts me.

You know what... sometimes I will have these break through s where I will really try to be with God, and then I stop!
Perhaps I get retardedly busy with something else or get interest in a girl.. or just do something stupid.

Priority. That is my problem. I am not good with Priorities, and you'd think that sense God loves ME so much, I wouldn't have a problem, after all I am the most selfish thing in the world... well actually that was exaggeration, but you get the point. I am always so focused on me, that now I find myself losing friends, losing my relationship with God which in the end losing things and opportunities for myself.

I wish I could be one of those wise people who write blogs on their websites and know a whole lot, and spend time with God everyday, I mean I used to be that person. Maybe that is what this stage in my life is for.... To screw up and be sad about it, and get priorities wrong all the time..
But doesn't that seem like a waste of time, for some reason I don't think that is what God has in mind for me.


hufff and puff.. sometimes I get frusterated.

Not to mention I totally climbed up the sin ladder way more then I used to...



I want to make a promise to myself. A big one. And I want to try and keep it.
I want to spend time with god everyday this summer, and not do anything until I spend time with him, now I will have to plan in order to do this. But that is okay, I need that. After I spend time with God each day, I will blog. I will try to say something empowering to someone if anyone reads this. Maybe god will get people to read this if I start that.

I know if I spend time with god, my relationships with friends, and everyone God wants me to be with will flourish. I can totally become the guy I want to be.
I need to realize that everyone slips up sometimes, but I don't want to use that. The devil is not going to like the whole me and God hanging out but I have to work through that. I have to stay strong, if your out there, pray for me. That would be cool.

I need to make another promise to myself..
I will not get drunk at grad parties this summer (just throwing that out there)

It starts tomorrow.
WOOOOOOP