Realization of Bullshit.

So I have been thinking, I have been keeping my promise, written in my blog everyday about God, feels great right? No.
I still have no relationship with god, well not like I used to, I haven't been praying or talking to God about what I have been reading, and I haven't been reading either. I have been bullshitting this.
The day I decided I wanted to turn everything around I told a friend that I was tired of living a bullshit life, that I wanted to be a real genuine person, and I realized I have been far from it.
This stuff hasn't meant alot to me, it has made me feel a bit less guilty, but I am still so behind where I should be, I have been sinning so much that I don't even feel that guilty anymore when it happens. I want back.
I want back to the one who is always there.


I have been thinking about Street Invaders (the camp I am going to this summer.) When I feel there I feel great, but it is honestly one of my deepest fears to go there, be so strong with god and absolutley fall in love with God again and then after it's over, break my own heart, again!

I am such a hypocrite... I am nothing like a christian, besides the bible that sits on my computer desk, and the christian music that I listen to sometimes.

You know what i think it is? I think it is this messed up world, and don't get me wrong I'm not blaming my problems on the world.... I have done that enought. but I am so addicted to useless shit. Like cellphones, facebook, clothes, msn, worrying what people think, swearing, being an asshole. Why can't I just leave it behind? Really, why can't I just become a foreigner to it all? It doesn't work like that, I have to make a happy medium. Woah...


So sorry readers if you were looking for a cute little bible verse and a sappy message. I don't feel like that. I want to be real... It's so hard.

Why can't I just accept his love? Why am I so far away from what I really can be? Why did I screw so much up, and miss out on so much?

I need to, I want to do this....

Boy I can ramble, there is so much I want to say. But I won't... I need to talk to god, not some dumb computer monitor, writing down my own words. I am at the stage where I have no right to try and write... I need to listen and learn. After all, thats what I asked God to do, to teach who I am, the real me.