bleh

Im so impatient.
I just don't know what to do really, if theres not a huge conflict with your life that you run to God for, what do you do with your time with him?
I just feel like theres a block...
I hate the block, Im just bored, and maybe im blaming it on a relationship with God instead of accepting the fact that its because Ive done nothing all day..
Time to move.

Testimony

Testimony

Colton Curtis

July 27, 2009

Street Invaders

Grace. That one word really describes how I see God. Through out my entire life I have always felt his generous warmth on my life, no matter what I got myself into, or where I found myself headed, his grace is their to bring me home.

I grew up in a Christian home. It was almost second nature to get up on Sunday morning and go to church. I found it amusing; I didn’t know what life was like without going to church, it was always there for me. I honestly cannot remember too much from my child hood, just that when I needed God he was always there. However I didn’t have an actual relationship with my savior until my first summer at street invaders. It was there that my eyes were opened to this massive amount of love and beauty that we call God.

I guess I’ll focus on the past two years. I hate to say this, I actually despise it, but my moments at street invaders have been the high points in my spiritual journey with God, I haven’t been able to obtain that on my own. I will come home from street invaders completely God high, then drop; although, through all the ups and downs I have learned so much. One thing I have really grabbed a concept for (especially this past year) is how Satan will do absolutely everything in his power to divorce us from our love, our healer, our Lord. Personally, I feel as if as soon as God and I developed a relationship Satan felt threatened, and did so much to destroy it. I have been involved in so much “crap” this past year, and have done so many things I regret. Yet, god always takes me back. That sentence baffles me, it took so long for me to comprehend how God could still love a wretch like me, and once I figured that out, he started changing things in my life. Things I once found tempting are gone! He has rescued me and it is truly a miracle, and a work that astounds me every single time I think of it.

In the past year I wish I could take back and forget so much, yet Gods grace has somewhat done that for me. I know I still have an ample amount of things to work on, but I know I can only pray and grow in the spirit to improve myself.

My biggest fear in life is that I will not be able to have a firm non-changeable relationship with God. I want to be so firm in my faith and with my spirituality, and for me that is so hard. Yes, I do have a wonderful church, tons of people I can talk to, an incredible Christian family, but I don’t have continual Christian peer support at my side every day. Sometimes, that’s hard to go without. Don’t get me wrong I have wonderful extraordinary Christian friends, just very few. There’s a verse in the bible that says something about the company you keep is what you become. This year has proved that strong for me.

I know I shouldn’t have expectations for this year at street invaders, but I really want to just let go of all that I have kept in this year. Forgive myself for it all, give it all to God, and I want to learn and be faithful… and somehow, someway learn how to fight back to temptation, stand firm in my faith and do everything in love. I thank god for what he has done in my life, he has changed it so much.

P,S.

I want to scream and cry!
I feel God's grace already, I should be guilty for longer..... forever, for ever, everything I've done in this life...
Thats why Jesus came, to make sure we wouldn't have to be guilty forever. Wow it finally just clicked for me..
But still, I don't deserve this. I don't get it.

If God shows that kind of grace for humans, wretched humans... Then we should show that grace to others, even if they have been the ones to tempt us, or to steal from us, who have no idea who god is.. We should show them grace too.

Be on guard, stand firm in your faith and do everything in love...
Wow, that verse just flew into my head out of nowhere..

I simply, just don't get it.

Frustration... No. not the board game. Life.

How the devils work.
He will convince you that you want something, that there is nothing wrong with it, that God doesn't mind. He throws your mind away from God. You fight it, but then you get it, or do it, or whatever the case is ( this process is usually drawn out, bu humms and hawss..) When you do give in and do it, he laughs in your face calls you a complete loser, worthy of nothing. Yet the next time he tries you will listen to him.
After this we run back to God, feeling guilty, worthless, so pissed off at yourself, and frustrated. You think God will never be able to forgive you, your embarrassed to show your face. God forgives you, sometimes you do or do not forgive yourself (my problem)..

You saw you will never give in and do it again, and you really mean it with all your heart, it drives you to tears how guilty and worthless and angry you feel.

You do it again.
God forgives.



Frustration.


Tips anyone? You know how to contact me.

A wise friend once told me...

"You have come so incredibly far in the past few months and now I feel like Satan is trying to pull you back. You say that you don't know who you are or who God wants you to be, but I think you're striving to be this person you think you're supposed to be, when in reality life and experiences shape you. You are who you are in this moment at this time in your life, that is going to change in the next moment. You are going to continue to grow into the person you're meant to be throughout your entire life. It's a journey, it's not meant to be complete at 16 years old. I know that you find that frustrating but I think you need to start living more in the present than the future. You tend to plan ahead for yourself when maybe you should try letting God take the reigns in your life. I know you like control but His plans are so much better for you, even though they may not make sense right now.You said that it would be so much easier to give up and you'd feel so much more real, but you are real. I don't think you're hiding anything, I think that you're going through something and being tempted and challenged. Everyone goes through temptation throughout their lives and while it's different from person to person it's still there. Do you think that maybe this temptation is a tool to get you to lean on God and let him take control?"

Every word of that is true..
I hope it speaks to me you like it did to me.

Woah, Brain Washed?

I think it's safe to say that for at least the past five days I haven't been as close with God, but you know whats weird, I didn't even really notice.
I noticed how much I hated everything, how much of a rotten attitude I had, how much of a terrible brother and son I am, how many bad habits I have been bringing back, but not once have I been like "oh I need to come back to God."

I bought I new bible yesterday and I was reading it, but all I could think about was how much of a terrible son to my heavenly father I had been. I'm telling yah... so stupid.

I woke up this morning crying to God... please put a smile on my face and help me just get through this, it makes no sense. Whats wrong with me!!!!

Sure, the devil is totally on my back, screaming at me to screw up, and yet at times he has succeeded while other times he hasn't... but I have the power to defeat him.
There have been so many things on my mind lately, that when other people try to talk to me about something else I completely shut down and ignore them... I am being pathetic.
Its so stupid though, God can overcome anything, the temptation of the flesh... the temptation of the devil, EVERYTHING!
Why won't I just buckle down and commit, and change myself with the help of the Lord my God?
Why not?

I am honest.

Gravity - Sara Barielles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.


Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.


I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down


This song really just makes me think for some reason, I don't know if its because of stuff that I've been through, or the battles that we face everyday with certain people... but this song just has something.
Check it out.

Anyway, I went to church today, and for some reason (even though things are better between God and I now, church just makes me yawn, I feel nowhere close to God, nowhere, happy, all I can focus on is my bad attitude. Why is that?)

Also, I miss my camp. It was like at that beach God and I were so close I could put my hands in the air and be touching him. Here, not so much, I feel dirty, and reminded about everything that I have done to screw up, and things that I do now that I hate about myself.

One more thing.
Lately I have been feeling that certain things that I have been doing in my life all along now, don't cut it.. Now are unacceptable, now make me feel guilty, and in a way I like that, it makes me feel like I've stepped up. But it also means work... I think I can handle it though.







P.S. I spent two hours of my day today doing nothing but rocking out to musical soundtracks in my living room. Woah, lifes good. Then, when I was out of breath, I would read Harry Potter. Yes I was a poser, I bought all the books but never picked one up. Ha, lets see how that goes.